Silly; Gross: Fart!

Having just exclaimed 'what can I write about? ' I heard a muffled noise,
...followed by a pungent cheesy smell which FEW of your ilk enjoys.

Now farts have gotten a bad reputation....along with burps and belches.
In our society they are THINGS...which a more 'polite' person often squelches.
And I'd say I'm one of the 'more polite'...in my normal daily life; that is except when I'm alone...with my loving, understanding WIFE.
Why even my wife farts on rare occasions.....Don't let her know I've told.
But she generally does it behind a CLOSED door. Unlike me, …she's not so bold.

So 'FART' is what I'll write about tonight, .... stretched out in this chair.
You'll excuse me please if I let one loose...though it MAY foul the air.

Farts come in at least four varieties. I'm sure you all know THAT.
I could break it down to sub-varieties, but I'll KEEP those in my hat.
First there are farts that are quiet and smelly. Not my cup of tea.
At least one should make some noise....so others won't HAVE TO SAY 'not ME'.
Then there are those quiet but NOT smelly; I think women mostly do those.
They give off nothing obnoxious….. to offend your ears or nose.
There are noisy farts that are also smelly. Some would say they're WORST OF ALL.
There are noisy farts that are NOT smelly, ...some like a bugle call.

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Reunion: A Letter To Classmates.....[Personal; High School Friends]

Reunions are cool.....though maybe not so much in the summer.
That this year I'll miss my first one ever is a bit of a bummer.
It's at least interesting to see you all.....even you aging macho guys,
and to give or get answers to all the 'who? 'S, 'what? 'S, and 'why? 'S.

I've seen classmates since last reunion.....at least a dozen,
including a 'no-show' Genevan, .....Connie, my dear my cousin. Visiting Kit (and wife) in Rocky Mountains, for me, was a treat.
In Ohio, John fixed my wife and me, at his home, something yummy to eat.
We've had two meals at Bob & Martha's in their hilltop home (quite high) ,
and dinner out in Bangkok with Karl and wife; Urai speaks both English and Thai.

At last reunion I was retired, living back in our hometown;
now my life has changed (again) .....since then a lot has 'gone down'.
I learned to use internet which helped me find my new mate.
I got my first cellphone; with 'tech things' I'm quite late.
I've settled in wife's San Carlos home, not far from S.F. Bay and ocean.
My child's become a doctor, and gotten her medical career in motion.
I don't do Facebook or Twitter but I did join Classmates.com,

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How Silly Is This? ...or...Does Your Next Move Matter? .....[Personal; Life; Death]

Why do I care at all what next I do in life?
After all I'm the boss of me...though I don't say that to my wife.

Well sometimes I do care, but should it really matter?
Is it better to be Alice or better to be Mad Hatter?

What it really comes down to is the LITTLE decisions I make.
Shall I immerse myself in a novel, or out-the-garbage-take?
Well, luckily, as I'm retired, I've more leeway in my choices.
I've got time to respond to my mind's contradictory voices.

I should not feel guilty, and try not to feel guilty, about what I do next.
I'm the boss after all, so 'Let me not be vexed'!
Shall I start a new poem? It seems the thing to do.
The household chores I have in mind can wait a day or two.

I've lived a pretty full life. I'm satisfied with myself.
What things I don't do from now on can just stay on 'the shelf'.

I think I've done enough to live up to expectations,

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Silly; Human Nature; Scary? ; Long: Mary's Pet

Mary was a little weird, a fact you'll soon agree.
And if this story sounds familiar, I hope you'll forgive me.
She attended Beavis Elementary, just around the block.
She left for school each school day, by eight a.m. by the clock.

Now one day was 'Bring a Pet to School With You Day'.....;
that could turn out hectic, but NOT tragic most would say.
After all, what could eight-year-olds bring to class that could break ANY rule? ?
(Soon, you'll find you are wrong, my friend. Mary was weird and cruel.)

She could have taken her lamb to school, as in the nursery rhyme.
Her classmates would enjoy it. The thought's almost sublime.
But what instead did Mary take from her home menagerie?
Something cold and sinister that would make even teachers flee!

When Mary got to school that day no one paid her any mind.
(She was weird of course.) That she appeared with no pet was fine.
The day progressed quite nicely with dogs and cats; even one rat.
But Mary fidgeted more than usual in the BACK ROW where she sat.

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TOMAD: Think of Me as Dead...[Personal; Death; Humor; Friends]

For family, friends, and acquaintances, I've a thought to share.
In the future if you think of me, think of me as dead. If you dare.
It's really for your benefit as soon you'll plainly see.
You'll really like the feel of it, if you are like me.

There's no need to know the cause of death. I don't mean to alarm,
but if you think it would help, I've a scenario of 'harm'.
Now 'harm' isn't what I'd call death. But I needed a rhyme.
I'd just call death a natural progression of the sands of time.

The Scenario:
Just imagine me in some mountains, hunting a golden eagle's nest.
It's such a romantic way to die as birds just are the best.

Anyway just imagine eagle carrying prey to its lofty aerie,
and me approaching from rocky ledge above, even though it's scary.
I'm dressed all in camouflage and eagle parents don't see me.
They fly away and I descend to nest, ....chicks reaching for my knee.
I could have shot some photos from several feet away,
but the chance to touch young eagles doesn't come every day.

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The Lettuce And Burger Address.....[LONG; Humor; Capitalism]

Four months and seven days ago me an' my brother Joe here
brought to 'yas' a new diner with both sugar AND Equal, and
catsup for all.
Our competition (ha ha) cut prices to pressure us, but we countered with a new menu.....and topless waitresses.
There have been some skirmishes as some 'a' 'ya', our customers know.
But Joe and me are diner veterans and 'in for a penny, in for a pound', as Mom used to say.

Remember not all diners, meaning businesses, are created equal to US, but all diners, meaning people, ARE equal to US, and we plan 'ta' come out on top.
Many 'a' 'yas' been good and loyal customers for weeks, and
Joe and me got our Grand Opening Week, comin' Sunday through Saturday.
As always we got free medium sodas and coffee, one per customer.
And for those with five holes me or Joe punched in your loyalty cards,
you each receive a free dessert 'wit' purchase of any entrée (17 dollars or more) .
How 'da ya' like that folks? Pretty swell, huh?

Tuesday and We'nesday we got live music, Jazz Tuesday and Blue Grass We'nesday.
In the future we might get live music all the time; free for loyal customers; three bucks a head for them without cards. Nice, huh? You betcha!
Remember loyalty cards is always available from our lovely wait staff. Take a LOW bow girls. Nice!

Burgers and hots will still be our featured items on the menu.

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While My Wife Is In Japan....Again......[Personal; Retirement

This beautiful day I sit on patio, .... which my wife may enclose.
I hope I'll enjoy the birds as much, and feel wind when it blows.
A little plane in the distance hums; my wife thinks they're crazy.
I've done most of day's exercises; now I'm being 'lazy'.

I've got with me Smart Women, a relationship novel
about some people who dominate and some who may grovel.

A while ago an 'insect' crawled by, the size of a dot of ink.
Then a blue and grey scrub jay came to yonder dish for a drink.

I photographed a second jay with my new binocular-digital camera.
Have you ever tried to find a word that rhymes with camera?
It's 'made in China' and I got it on clearance for about 8 bucks.
At that price, though camera ain't 'perfect', I really can't say it sucks.

Today I planted some sunflower seeds. They came as gift in the mail.
I also planted five cherry pits from gutter; I hope they do not fail.

Using computer I called Japan, to 'Mama's', and spoke to my wife.

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Message For The KIng (TKTWBH) ......An UNPOEM [LONG; Funny? ; Fantasy]

BIG HEAD, (MY WIFE'S TITLE FOR YOU) ........
she says what are you talking about, huh? huh?

my wife says (if i can remember it all) (not in this order) :

'it'' is Her house, Her chair, Her computer, Her HUSBAND, unlike in U.K. where the wife belongs to the husband. here in california the husband belongs to the wife. how's that? (Her words again; forgive my wife dear King) .
she is a tax accountant, worked 12 hrs a day,7 days a week [not all the time, King, but don't tell her i told you so]. she used two or three screens simultaneously! ! ! ! she worked long and hard during her career, which allowed her to have TWO houses in the most expensive housing area between san francisco and silicon valley, ....[one is rented for 2400 hundred a month/was 2700 hundred but she felt sorry for the two loser engineers, a married couple, who rent from her. (she also was afraid she might lose them to the competition after a yr or so of paying 2700....that's greenbacks i'm talking...US dollars that is) ]....don't tell her i told YOU that, please, Your Hinnyness.
She was gesticulating with Her arms as She shouted Her words to me from across the room. [but She DID have a big smile on Her face.....probably because She is SO PROUD of Herself...for Her financial success (sound familiar King?) as well as her defiance of Your male chauvinist pig words].

She says She 'beat the odds'.. She came here not speaking english. She says 'SOME people....(not ME King...believe me?) ....say She still can't speak english. She is a woman, another obstacle to Her in this great country. She came here in/with one suitcase only! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Now She says She came here IN the suitcase.? She can make a joke herself once in a great while. i don't think her people are much on humor. she is 'ESL' that's english is 'second language', King.
She says 'what is he? gay? '.....but don't worry King, neither of us care what sexual preference You have...You do have ONE?
personally i find it to my advantage, living with Her, to always watch my words and voice volume. but alas, i am not careful enough and often end up in the unroyal doghouse. i have to feign crying and ask for forgiveness and say 'i'm sorry'.....she also doesn't like me calling her 'honey', but 'dear' and darling and sweetheart don't bring any trouble. thanks goodness.
hey King, what can we do? ? she is japanese, born and raised; maybe that has something to do with her poor attitude. again, PLEASE FORGIVE HER. thanks King.
i just read this to Her [adding a new section in the middle]. AND She reminds me that i was supposed to tell you that YOU HAVE A BIG HEAD but i, Her husband HAVE A BIG MOUTH. in fact King, now She says you should change your name to BIG MOUTH. oh, sorry King for not capitalizing your pronouns as i typed. i HAD to capitalize Hers and the computer contains a limited number of capitals i think so i had to be conservative. i'll try to make it up to you in a later message some day. bri edwards, henpecked husband....but well-cared for by my loving wife.
(Nov.2012)

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When The Carousel Amimals Got Loose.....[LONG; Humor; Fantasy; Adventure]

In the park for peoples' amusement……
were some workers with an accusement.
T'was on the merry-go-round
where they were all found,
feeling their labor was abusement.

These workers who labored without wages,
were taken from storybook pages.
They were most of them mild...
though some were beasts 'wild'.
Some were loved, some were feared, through the ages.

Three were birds, though one never could fly;
two, that could, rarely took to the sky.
Six of them were mammals...
though none were humped-camels.
One was make-believe, from days-gone-by.

All, including Elephant and Goose,
Unicorn, and big-antlered Moose,

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A Mouse In My Stomach.....[LONG; Human Body; Animals]

Two months ago, in the mail, I got a company's exciting offer.
I could get a host of diagnostic tests, in exchange for a few coins into their coffer.
Soon to my town was coming a great big mobile-medical van,
in which m body could be subjected to sonograms and x-rays, and even a cat scan.

So I called the toll free number immediately; that is really quick.
They made my appointment for last week, and said 'to that time' I had to stick.
Here at last was their chance to find in me cysts, plaque, clots, and tumors.
I'd heard some negative things about the company, but I'm SURE they were just rumors.

The tests all seemed painless, even comfortable, as if there was nothing being done.
A pretty nurse (all the 'patients' were men) served coffee and donuts between each test. It was really sort of fun.

This afternoon, by first class mail, I received my results from their expert doc.
What I read, two pages long (single-spaced0 sent me into shock.

I have a little mouse in my stomach, exhaling between each stomach squeeze,
just sitting there expectantly, waiting for some bits of cheese.
And that's not all!
From head to toes my body is inhabited by various creatures young and old.

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