Plan B
Will I be found before it's too late...
God, is this what it feels like to go insane?
I felt the cold slap of reality when I admitted I was gay
My descent into madness right now
Feels the same way
Just do me a favor and promise me You will
You know I love you and I know You love me still
So please kill me before I turn into a murderer or child abuser or
Anything that would hurt to that degree
Please
poem by God Diaries
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Heartless
What is that thing, that beating thing
That wrestling thing
Within
That weighs me down
So much that I can't comprehend
The beginning
The end
This thing
It keeps beating
Again
And again
And again
Though it beats for no one
It only causes pain
This wrestling
Why keep it?
No one knows its name
It beats in vain
In solitude
Echoing in time
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poem by God Diaries
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Rumi Says
Rumi says I have wings
Asks me if I've felt the wind glide beneath them
Or had the courage to fly through clouds up high
He says I can fly
Lately, I sing on pavement ground
Wings clipped
I Keep falling down
My feathers are everywhere
But where it counts
I refuse to live in a cage
So I built my nest on the side of an old dirt road
Underneath the great wide open
Under the canopy of heaven
This is my home
I look up to the circling sky
My eyes - they can see
Where it is I'm headed
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poem by God Diaries
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My Acoustic Poem No.3
I will wait,
I will wait for you
We used to dream about living free
And now
It's just about living
I feel you
I feel you heavy
Nestled in between my soul and
some other version of me
It's good to know
This pain has a name
Good to let the truth penetrate
I see you're still sleeping
You've been sleeping for so long
Lulled to sleep by the beast
Dreaming of happy endings yet to come
I don't want to wake you
But I know this can't go on
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poem by God Diaries
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Do I Make You Proud?
I gather my hands in clasp like form
Forgive me Father,
I don't know anymore
I stand on a hill
Overlooking my soul
The dull ache has returned
And I can't give anymore
My inward thoughts
Try to find that narrow way
- Thou art my refuge,
- Will thou art be my escape?
And on sunny days
And winding highways
I dreamt all day long of a place I don't belong
But now I try desperately
to keep myself from sinking
Into the black mire and sticky clay,
To keep myself somewhere
Close to You
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poem by God Diaries
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An Offering
I lift my spirit hands over my head
And whisper words of petition
I need to be content
With what I'm given
And in this life
I stare darkness face to face
My close encounter with my Maker
Made me think it was finally all over
Changed
Though now I see places
Where I'm stronger
I don't like this place I'm in
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
For You are with me
I will proclaim the truth
And it will marinate
These dry bones
That darkness purposed to burn
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poem by God Diaries
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The Self In Between
My soul climbs limbless trees at night on highways blinded by headlights
And other earthly things
My mind dreams malcontent,
Awakening at intervals to a steady distant heartbeat that threatens to be mine
And mine alone
My body flies at midnight through cloudless skies made brilliant by moonlight
I don't want to come back down
To earthen ground
Where I hold aching empty
A heart with no home
A soul wandering lost
With arms that froze
These scars all over
Cover my insides and outsides and in between
How pretty I am
How beautiful I am
When there is no light to shine on me
When there's no shame to fight
Within the dim or the gray
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poem by God Diaries
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Deleting The Day
Cry my tears to heaven
Please
let's just erase the day
I swear I'll never do it again
Never again
I'd say you could find my heart by the open river of my mind
But really
I hide behind grave stones
Beneath privacy fences
Lonely
Listening to
The Indigo Girls
Quiet affirmations of my yearning
I'm up above the winding
Pathways
Past the deaths of this century
Nestled in between 1870 and 1893
In the shade
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poem by God Diaries
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Bloom
Did flowers bloom when you were born?
Did love learn to hang itself upon your mirrored face?
I remember when
You stood so tall in Heaven
In the hallways and out in the great wide open
But now you live in the shadows
You creep
Did you hear the trumpet call
Or was the pied piper too strong
in your ear?
Did he make you fall?
Did he make you crawl?
And by gutter or alleyway
Did you leave the same as you came?
And did you get to keep God's grace
If you promised…
You did promise
To return,
Didn't you?
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poem by God Diaries
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On A Sunday In 1997
Where two or more are gathered…
-can't sit still
Greetings and embrace, they assemble all together
Spiritually seeking, seeming so happy…
-feel so empty
Behold the brethren's holy gaze
-can't feel their grace
Share the same wisdom and understanding
-so many questions
Stand, shake hands to the left, to the right, sit, face forward and smile
-I'm screaming inside
We begin. He speaks with such authority of all that is holy…
-my ears, they fail me
'I get my needs met from the Lord'
feel so empty
'I am okay in Jesus'
feel so strange
'I am more than a conqueror'
feel so afraid
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poem by God Diaries
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